depression personal

wow mama – eye candy

i don’t really like the term “eye candy” or much enjoy being the object of eye-candying. i noticed back in high school that when i go to gas stations, wearing a dress i would get better service. i already had the long black hair thing going on so it was only a slight difference i could notice, but still, the look i would get from men were different when i was wearing a dress.

this morning i had the hardest time getting up and out of bed. i usually get up and then go back to bed. when i got up to eat cereal, i should have taken my meds before i went back to bed. but i didn’t. and it was so difficult to drag my body out of bed. so i took my meds late today. didn’t make it to group therapy because i was really anxious about going. had to take meds so i wouldn’t feel so anxious. an hour later, i wasn’t feeling any better so i had to take another dose.

so maybe even subconsciously, when i feel crappy i try to cheer myself up by dressing better or putting on make up or something. no make up today. too lazy for that. but i wore a pale blue dress that has a low neck line. and even though i am oh so many thousands of pounds heavier than i was before i got depressed, i still noticed that today as i walked into starbucks that i was getting different looks today than i did here yesterday when i wasn’t wearing something feminine. the guy who was taking the drink order clearly enjoyed checking out the deep neck line. and even some older men are/were eyeing me with more than pure intentions.

do i enjoy being the object of all this attention getting? is that why i’m wearing high heels today when i just left home to come study at starbucks? i cut my hair short every now and then when i get sick of all the “looks” i get. and then i miss the compliments i got when i had longer hair so then i grow it back again. well, today i’m not sure i wanted the less than “pure” looks. but i wanted to feel like i had some control of something and that for today means how i look because i sure as hell can’t change how i’m feeling today. and i do feel crappy, like i could drink a six pack right now and not even blink an eye because that’s how badly i want to drown life.

the irony of all this is that today i couldn’t even drive myself to starbucks today because of the meds i took this morning. so looking like i got something going on, my younger sister dropped me off at a starbucks. maybe i’ll hitch a ride with someone on my way home. hehe. j/k j/k. i am too scared to return the look i get from men on days like this let alone accept a free ride to only God knows where!

it’s nice to know that even though i’m approaching forty (i can’t believe it but it’s true) i can still feel like i did when i was sixteen years old. i love saying that i am approaching forty when i hang out with younger crowds. they get a kick out of it because most of them had thought that i was their age. one person even demanded that i whip out my driver’s license. when nothing else cheers me up, remembering, and recounting anecdotes like this helps.

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