depression personal

happy without a therapist!

it is really strange.  people are wondering if i am holding up ok without my usual twice a week therapy sessions with the psychiatrist i knew since 1991.  and it takes me couple of seconds to answer with certainly that i don’t think i have felt freer and happier since 2002 which is when this crazy long depression started.  oh, also, i am back on all my meds.  i refused to take couple of the medicine i am supposed to be taking because i was too angry at my old psychiatrist to take prescriptions from her.  so for couple of weeks, i was without two of the meds.  then when my PCP gave me prescriptions, i was only able to fill three on time.  other three i had to wait for physical prescription to arrive in mail (the front desk people of my PCP’s office mailed the prescriptions to me per my request because they didn’t know they weren’t supposed to mail out controlled substance prescriptions).  so anyway this past week, i started going to partial hospital on wednesday, took all my meds since wednesday also, and by friday, i realized i feel like myself again.  it’s really strange.  people worry that if you take psych meds, that it will change who you are.  but i found that without the meds i am supposed to be taking, a strange woman emerges and i am nowhere to be found.  and the strange woman trapped in my body is not a pleasant person to be around.  but when i take all my meds, the strange woman fades away and the person that i know myself to be emerges.  and i like myself a lot better on medicine than not on medicine because when i’m not on medicine, i become a stranger to myself!

i have even started making attempts at working on my thesis so that i might get the degree i’ve been working towards.  when i am studying, i know i’m okay because when i am unstable, i can’t study and don’t care about anything, least of all some degree that no one cares if i have or not.

is it weird to like who you are?  in the past couple of days, i feel like i was reintroduced to me.  and honestly, if i might say so myself, i like who i am.  and i like feeling the way i do when i’m stable.  i only wish that i could have more days like this.  one day is great.  i’ve had one day happiness before.  but it would be nice to have a series of days like this.  i know things won’t be great all the time.  i just would like a string of good days so that i can build a life worth living.

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