depression food personal theology

when you least expect it

life is not fair by any means.  i don’t know how.  but i have been feeling pretty emotionally stable for about a week.  i started wondering, did the dark clouds above my head move on?  started wondering what i would do, what i could do if i continued to feel better.  but then today, just in the same way i started feeling good all of a sudden, i started feeling bad.  bad enough to want to eat lots of food to try to feel better.  and of course, eating sweet stuff does not make up for emotional deficit.  i know that.  but when nothing else seems to be working, i feel like i at least deserve to feel a little different, a little bit better, a little bit pampered by eating ice cream sundae, cinammon stix, chocolate, etc.

two of my medicine might contribute to weight gain.  two of my medicine might contribute to weight loss.  so all in all, it’s inactivity and eating for comfort that must be the reason for my recent weight gain.  i gained 10 pounds in the past couple months.  not so much and nothing to be alarmed about for most people.  but for my frame and my weight before gaining the 10 pounds, those 10 pounds, not good.  also when i start gaining weight, it’s really difficult to make the weight gain stop.  when i’m not gaining, i feel like i’m losing weight in someways.  right?  because i’m not gaining the weight i would be gaining which means somehow i am burning more calories than i did before or eating less.  think i cared less about my weight so long as i had clothes that fit me.  different story when you’re dating, right?  i mean, if you know that skinnier version of you is way cuter than what you look like now, and have been told by family members, friends, and boyfriend as well, how could you not feel not like you are not as attractive as you used to be?

anyway, i don’t know if it’s sunday blues like i felt bad on thursdays a few months ago.  last sunday i felt really crappy.  for the first time in months, i felt like not wanting to live.  and today, i’m not as far off the never never land, but i feel pretty crappy.  i have an exam that i have to pass in two days to get my graduate degree.  course work has been done for a year but i have to pass an exam to fulfill graduation requirements.  right now, i feel crappy enough that i really don’t care.  it’s just a degree, right?  have masters degrees already.  i mean, how many more alphabets do i need that follow my name?

feeling crappy is well, crappy.  ok i rarely resort to rated-R language.  but i feel shitty.  maybe i didn’t get enough sleep maybe i should have eaten dinner maybe i shouldn’t have had too much sugar.  anyway, for whatever reason, i feel like imploding.  which reminds me, i have other ways of washing away bad feelings!  hmmm  honestly forgot about other ways of coping!  ha!  ok gotta go.  absolut-ely gotta go!  🙂

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