friendship personal

is this unfair?

I feel angry at my friend E who took her own life ten days ago. it seems unfair to be angry at E as she can’t defend herself. and she was in a great deal of pain and suffering to do what she did. I’m going through different states or emotions, sadness, denial, shock, guilt, and yes also anger. I am angry that we can’t do more things together. for instance, we can’t grow old together. she loved to read. just as I was about to pick up the book I had been reading this afternoon, on a “lazy” Saturday afternoon, it hit me that E can’t read anymore. I’m sure E is at peace. but what of the living, those who loved her? it seems scandalous to mention to those who also loved her that I am angry, at E, but I am. I feel angry that E didn’t reach out to more people during her last few weeks. then I wonder if maybe she couldn’t or didn’t want to reach out to others especially during her last few weeks. she was probably just so tired just to get out of bed. just to get dressed. it probably took a lot of effort for her even just to remain conscious. maybe I’m not as angry as I thought I was. I’m saddened deeply that I or anyone else couldn’t help her to find peace in this life. I’m sorry, E. I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t know just how much you were suffering under your own skin. I’m sorry I didn’t press you to talk to me when you said you didn’t feel like talking because you weren’t feeling well. I’m sorry I was so busy trying to figure out my own life. there was no urgency in anything else if I could have been there for you as you needed. maybe nothing I could have done would have made a difference, but I still wish things were not the way it is now. because the world without you in it is not as warm a world as it could be, not as exciting or as kind. rest well my friend. be at peace. find rest and comfort for your soul that you couldn’t find in this life. rest in God’s arms. I love you so.

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