day in day out

it’s true that everyday day, as if to punch in my time sheet in and out, I get up to a groundhog day, everyday over and over again…going to work, coming home, missing those I love, feeling alone, and maybe here and there I feel a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction.  But mostly, there is this feeling that I’ve missed out on something today. And yet a part of me wishes I could miss it all entirely. to miss a part of what I had hoped for seems worse than to not have anything at all.

today, in the midst of friends I love, I am quite incredibly paralyzed and overcome with grief, because I am living in the anticipatory grief of losing each person all over again when tomorrow comes.

And knowing all too well what loss feels like, that it feels vulnerable, raw and debilitating, I dread tomorrow.  And this dread prevents me from being fully present today. This is not how I want things to turn out…

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